In Vitro Spam

Written 7/11/08

Your Mum's Favorite Author

We's sittin' in Cafeteria we is when the whole roof is torn off. This giant robot all glowy and shining starts grabbing kids w/metal arms through the hole in the roof. I was ready to fight it I was but some bum administrator tells me to get out of there and those guys is bigger than me so I can't fight 'em back. He don't know who I is though right? So I run off toward the robot to get a better look. Then it grabbed me and was gonna eat me 'cept some blurry gay guy what wears his underwear on the outside broke it good. When he landed he looked like a fag but I didn't say nothin' cuz he was strong as hell -he smashed the damn robot and I didn't know if he'd fight me for it. Some teachers I call fags and they don't do nothing about it. They just send you to the office. Sometimes they call your mum or have you put on a dunce cap in the corner for detention. I hate that. I may be stupid but I'm not a dunce. Dunces don't learn nothin'. Just the other day I learned I can only get my lunch money from Carl once a day. I socked him and thought he was lying when he said he couldn't give me any more. I checked his pockets I did and he really was cleaned out. So I was right pissed to miss my lunch 'cause of some bastard robot but I didn't sock Carl 'cause I knew he had no money. I can control myself. Teachers are always saying I have no self control. That I'm in a bad mood. It pisses me off. I might be less pissed off if Jonah wasn't always saying I sucked at breakdancing the fag. Mohammed showed up after lunch. Me and Jacob razzed him 'cause he had missed the robot and the flying guy. That's something you only see once in your life it is. He was so nervous when we was talkin' to him we quit joking. It's not even funny if someone's gonna take it all serious. He is so squirmy round me but I ain't never hit him or nothin'. I ain't hit Jacob either. Jacob's alright but sometimes he's annoying w/his phrases. He says things out of nowhere, doin' with nothin', and looks at you like you're handing out medals for clever phrases. That Jilly girl must go for them. She hangs round us a lot and I think she's sweet on one of us. I tell her one day "nice tits" and she turns all red and walks off. It was funny. She's screwy. You can't pay her a compliment. I picked up this rad piece of the robot and was showing it to Jacob in Ms.Anthersod's class when she took it from me and had me go in the corner. I wans't bein' a dunce. She was bein' a fag.

PS I'm your mum's favorite b/c out of the hundreds of guys what go to see her in a year I pound her cooch the hardest.

Yesterday me and Tussler were sitting in the cafeteria. I said, "inject some injuns" and he laughed. We were talking about a wrestling match between me and this Howard kid. I beat him so bad, in front of the teachers too. Jilly came over to our table. I was half-listening when a loud thump came from behind and above me. The roof was ripped off w/a jagged edge where it used to be connected to the rest of the school. A piece of rock fell from the ceiling and hit me into Jilly. She slapped me and ran off. I guess because I hit into her breasts by accident. She's the only girl in our class who has them yet so she's real sensitive about it. I was watching the robot: it had a body you could see through. Inside were glowing parts that looked like one of those lava lamps. I might have got a better look at it but Mr.Tucker, the PE teacher told me off. I heard him telling Tussler to leave too. Tussler always skips PE. I don't think he even knows who Mr.Tucker is.
In the hallway I was the only kid around. There were other kids around but they all ran by and didn't stay. The one kid who hung by was Mohammed. Not because he is brave or anything but because running from the cafeteria must have winded him. He was breathing w/an inhaler. I feel bad for him since he can't play with the rest of us guys at football or anything. I tell Tussler to lay off of him a lot of the time but there's no telling Tussler anything. In the hall passed by this guy in spandex. He stopped, turned to me, and says, "It's hard being able to read thoughts sometimes". I didn't know what he meant but he said to himself, "even those I rescue think poorly of me".
Tussler showed up then. He had a scrap piece of metal from the robot. It was solid now instead of glowing. He let me play w/it which was pretty cool. I armed wrestled him for it and won but he got upset so I let him keep it. Some guys don't really care if they lose a game. But it was already his so he wouldn't win anything by winning. Tussler told Mohammed to buzz off but he stayed, wheezing there in the hall. I told Tussler to lay off him and he did since Mohammed was catching his breath and all. I saw Jilly get in her Mom's car from the hall. The doors all have glass panes so you can see outside. I don't know why she was leaving school. Maybe the robot ate a friend of hers and she couldn't handle it.

10/10/2013 This morning Mom left me dress myself again. She says I was right, I am ready to do it. I think it's going pretty sucessfully. I put on a white button-up, a sleeveless vest, and jeans. I waited for the bus w/Samantha hall. She's the only other student at our stop. She's awfully cute. Her smell is soft and nice. The bus came up, reeking of smoke, and I went on. Gum was stuck on the handrail and felt terrible. On the way to school Anthony was sitting in front of me and had his window up. I got sneezing fits because I'm allergic to this season's tree pollen. You know: acorns, nuts and cones. I asked him to put his window up but he wouldn't. He's a jerk.
At school we had PE. Mr. Tucker keeps telling me I dribble like a girl. He's a jerk. I dribble fine it's just that the balls are lumpy. Their air is unevenly distributed. Jacob threw a ball and it hit my face, rough and bumpy, but I don't think he ment it. He said he was sorry. Jacob's alright. The squeaks of sneakers on the floor were driving me nuts so I threw my ball out the door to get outside for a while. We're not supposed to chase after balls if they leave the PE room but lots of students do it and Mr.Tucker lets them. I went outside and the basketball went a bit further than I intended. I chased it and it got stuck under a car that smelled like pine.
My arms were burning from trying to dislodge the basketball when Ms. Swiss, Tussler's Mom, walked over. Her perfume was faint enough that you could miss it but intriguing. She looked kind of sad until she asked if I needed some help. I thanked her and she unlocked the car door, opened it, the ball rolled away. I was going to get it when she said to hold on. I was in Tussler's class wasn't I? Apparently she'd been called in again about him playing hooky. I was looking down and accidentally saw under her skirt. She wasn't wearing women's underwear. I'd never seen a woman's...you know, before. I looked up as fast as I could but was too embarrassed to look her in the eye. My mouth was watering. That wasn't my body's only reaction. Ms.Swiss must have noticed my blushing and guessed what I'd seen. The bell rang. I'd missed the end of PE! She asked me if I wanted to see more. I couldn't answer her. I couldn't just run away. I went to get the basketball and she lifted my chin up. She had pushed back her skirt and was holding herself open w/her other hand. I got erect. I couldn't help it. I got loose and got the basketball, holding it in front of my crotch. Ms.Swiss leaned over me from behind and took the basketball, saying she'd help me put it back after she'd helped me w/something else. She unzipped my pants. I looked around; I was panicking. I told her I was late for class. She said it wouldn't hurt then to be a little later. Her hand was so warm. It was cold outside. I kept getting a little limp but she'd get me hard again until I sputtered. Nothing came out like in the sex ed. videos. Ms.Swiss asked if I was done. I nodded. She zipped up my pants and asked if I was alright. I nodded. She drove off and I ran back inside through the main entrance. I ran right into Tussler! Oh my God did he see anything? I thought for sure he'd know something but he didn't do anything.
-Mohammed Mohammed Omama

Today I stood up to Tussler. He told me to scram but I didn't. I was so nervous I was wheezing.

Dear Diary,
Jacob and I started going out yesterday b/c I asked Jenny to pass him a note if he liked me: a little, a lot, or not. He checked off a little. In the cafeteria Jenny was w/Hel, Valesa, Nezzy, and Vedanu, wearing an orange knitted cap, powder-purple knitted scarf, yellow jacket, purple boots, and gray pants. Could she have more color? Hel was wearing all black, as usual. I couldn't even make out what clothes they were. She's so goth. Sara says she's an emo. Valesa was wearing a light coat w/fluffy trim, it looked so pretty on her. It really goes w/her hair. Nezzy had on a kimonon or whatever. It was red w/yellow trim. Vedanu had her hood up, which teachers are always bugging her to put down, and a red dot on her forehead. Some days it was there some days it was off. At the boys table Jacob was being all cute. Tussler was being stupid as usual. He thinks he's so great. He's not even British like he talks. My Mom says his Mom's a whore and to avoid him. Like I'd want to hang out w/him anyway. I've got Jacob. But today, when I walked over to talk to him, he GROPED me out of NOWHERE! I wasn't even thinking as I ran to the office, crying. Nezzy was there and comforting me. She was crying too, saying something about Hel, Valesa, and Vedanu getting eaten. I couldn't take it anymore. How can you face a boy after he does that? Up close I could see Nezzy has really good skin. I called my mom and told her I was sick and needed picked up. She wanted me to walk b/c our house is so close but I wouldn't. She knew I wasn't sick but came to pick me up anyway. That's what loving mothers do. I passed Jacob in the hall and he wouldn't even look at me. Tomorrow I'm telling him it's over.